Thursday, 13 November 2014

Free thinking about myself

The following has not been edited, corrected, or tidied up.  It's a brief look inside my thoughts. I've a lot of time to think since I developed fibromyalgia, that's for sure. Anyway, here's my train of thought on a wet, cold, windy autumn afternoon.

" Since I got a glimpse of Death's Door* I think I've changed. I've read and heard about people who say this and always thought it was a bit silly,a bit sensational on the part of the survivor.  But now I think they might be right.  A close call changed me.  No seriously, I think it has.  I still have sense of humour,  justice,  morals,  etc  but it's changed.  My outlook has changed.  I feel very wise, as if  I've  been somewhere and been taught something I never knew before.  I battle with feeling slightly superior, something that is not in my vocabulary usually,  maybe superior is the wrong word.  I'll have to get dictionary out.  Because it's not that I feel  'better'  than other people.  Not  superior in that way.  But I feel I have something different. Some different kind of wisdom,  a knowledge I didn't have before. I look in the mirror and in my eyes there's something there that wasn't before. Tbh it can feel a little alarming, not really knowing myself. I guess it's a temporary thing, like my panic attacks are. I kind of hope so anyway. "

* referring to my recent heart failure.

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