The following has not been edited, corrected, or tidied up. It's a brief look inside my thoughts. I've a lot of time to think since I developed fibromyalgia, that's for sure. Anyway, here's my train of thought on a wet, cold, windy autumn afternoon.
" Since I got a glimpse of Death's Door* I think I've changed. I've read and heard about people who say this and always thought it was a bit silly,a bit sensational on the part of the survivor. But now I think they might be right. A close call changed me. No seriously, I think it has. I still have sense of humour, justice, morals, etc but it's changed. My outlook has changed. I feel very wise, as if I've been somewhere and been taught something I never knew before. I battle with feeling slightly superior, something that is not in my vocabulary usually, maybe superior is the wrong word. I'll have to get dictionary out. Because it's not that I feel 'better' than other people. Not superior in that way. But I feel I have something different. Some different kind of wisdom, a knowledge I didn't have before. I look in the mirror and in my eyes there's something there that wasn't before. Tbh it can feel a little alarming, not really knowing myself. I guess it's a temporary thing, like my panic attacks are. I kind of hope so anyway. "
* referring to my recent heart failure.