Well I'm in a mess and don't really know what to do. This ever constant pain that never goes away even for half hour, I can sort of deal with that. The brain pain is the mess. The black pit has a ledge that I can't seem to scramble over. I'm not in the depths right now, I have been but I've managed to scramble onto this ledge where I'm now sitting waiting for a torch to find my way up and out of this hole.
You see, I've lost all my confidence. Every scrap has vanished. For over fifty years I've struggled to understand this hearing world but it seems to me that while I put in more effort to understand them, most of them don't even bother to hide their impatience. I've given up.
Far far better to not go out, stay home where all I have to do is cope and fight the pain and not have to worry about lip-reading and bloody people.
So what's the answer to that? Can't change the world, given up on thicommunication lark.
How the heck can I explain what it feels like? I can't. All I can do is ask you all, my family, my friends to be understanding-- the best you can be. I know I'm not easy to live with and be in the company of, I'm fully aware of that. But I will find my way over this ledge. I will. Unfortunately t's not something anyone can help me with, I must find my own way up and out because only i can do that. I have to do it my way though and that means you all need to let me get on with it. That's not me being rude, I honestly mean no offence.
It's ever so hard to cope with, this constant pain and weakness. My legs just don't want to carry me any more. It's like they've said “right, we've put up with loads of abuse over the years, we've taken you further than most legs carry their body and you've totally ignored us.All those hours of being in the saddle. All those miles of walking and cycling. We're now retired and going to make you notice us now! “ And so they do, using every trick in the book, they never stop with the burning, aching and painful games they play.Then the old spine joins in. Then the neck and shoulder blade. But really I can cope with that. Obviously just lately I've been relying on meds to help with it all, I don't like that really but the moment I can get the pain level down to five I know I'll be putting the meds aside. I'm not addicted, I do know that's a worry of some of you but it's really not happening. I just need the morphine to get me over the tsunami of pain.
I'm so tired.This nearly constant 24\7 exhaustion that I can't understand.
So this is me saying I'm in a mess so will you all send me strength and just support me by being patient and try to understand. You can't possibly understand fully, it's not somethinganyone understands without being like me. And I truly truly wouldn't want you to be!
Much love and blessings. Xxx
