Sunday 28 October 2018

Cave and black holes

I don't feel like talking just lately, not even to my OH or my dog. Talk I must because by talking I'm keeping sociable which is important when you suffer the downs of bipolar. It's so easy to lock yourself away keeping the outside world nonexistent. To you it might seem easy to talk and mingle with society, you might even be saying to yourself "oh come on stop being a mardarse and get on with it" or my mother's favourite expression "pull your socks up and do some work". So easy to talk isn't it, unfortunately when you've got some mental health problem it's not. You go into yourself, into the black hole as I call it. The black hole is when you get so low you go past the 'cave' stage* and down and down some more until you're rock bottom. Then you're in trouble darling. Thankfully I'm not at rock bottom, I'm holding onto the edge of the black hole feet dangling over the deep, fingers white with gripping to avoid falling down.
Am I talking nonsense? To you maybe but anyone who suffers like me will understand only too well.
*Cave stage is when you begin to avoid people, hermit like. You go into your cave to be alone.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday 24 October 2018

Just a normal day...

You know I did decide this morning that I was going to sort out my corner and make it more studio like, as much as you can in such a small space. I need one set of shelves (those pine three shelves to a unit) for my art stuff then the other set will house my pagan stuff. Before I can do anything I need to clear the shelves off, put the numerous paperbacks and hard back books in a cardboard box for taking up the garage until I've decided what to do with them. Do these books sell on Amazon or eBay? I need to have a bit of a nose.
However, I had a shower and washed my hair which has left me exhausted. I can't even summon the strength to turn the washing machine on. Never mind.
I went to the doctor's yesterday to see the vampire nurse. She surprised me by telling me that the doctor had ordered an ECG reading. First I heard of it. Anyway I had to get undressed, oh the mither, had I known I was having one I'd have put a better outfit on. As it is there was much fuss while my hubby helped me get undressed. I really hate that, I feel so silly not being able to get undressed/dressed by myself. I've no idea what the result was because she didn't show me. I also has four vials blood taken. Shockingly it's reddish colour and not the green stuff I was expecting, green as in alien. Lol. I always like to crack a joke with the nurses to put them at ease as many don't really know how to communicate with me so a well timed joke can help.
It's a lovely day outside. One of the late autumn sunshine days. Everywhere feels so peaceful. I'd love to get out in the garden but it's not going to happen. Not today at any rate.
I've gone very drowsy so I'll sign of now. Have a grand day everyone. Much love and "keep on fighting you fibro warriors!" X

Monday 22 October 2018

Wherein she moans and groans just cos she can!

Just lately I've been living in my bed. Reason? I'm suffering a M.E /fibromyalgia flare up maybe brought on by my changing meds*. Whatever, I've been unable to walk very far; from the bed to kitchen is about all I can manage. Sometimes my legs just shake uncontrollably, weaken and leave me shuffling back to bed. Other times my arms go lifeless, the skin tingling and so painful, I cannot, try as I might, do anything during these times.

My back is a whole different story. It is so painful I cannot describe it. It is even stopping me from doing a poo (tmi I know but I can't help it, I'm talking real life where people pee, poo and be sick.) All I can do is get comfy on the bed, having tried and failed to find some ease on the sofa.

I'm living a permanent brain fog. How my OH keeps patient I'll never know. I get my words wrong, I cannot Lip read at a decent level, forgetfulness and clumsiness are par for the course. What our carers put up with! So silent, it feels like no one ever thinks to give them recognition or thanks them, for where would we be without them?

Something is making me hold fluid around rib cage so I've got to have my blood taken by the resident nurse Vampire. I wonder what shape bruise I'll get from her looking around with a needle trying to find a vein. How many men (and women) would like to be in my position, a Carry On film.😁

Seriously I hate being like this but what can I do? I try to do as much as possible, those chores I can do round the house, drawing, painting, crochet, writing etc. Breakfast in bed? Haha as if. Just dinner I'm afraid.

“I wish I could lie in bed all day” I hear some mutter, no you really don't. I'm not here by choice this is forced on me. Please don't insult me with such mutterings. I'm not idle, I'm not a waster: I'm a once very active manual worker whose body got ill. I don't wish that on you, I couldn't be so cruel.

Listen I feel I need to emphasise this, I am not by any means after sympathy. I hate sympathy. I don't want it. Nice of you to offer but no thanks.

I'm relating my life story and at the moment it's not brilliant but I'm ok, I'm getting on a it. How are my fellow sufferers? Doing ok I hope.

*I'm on my last leg of changing meds from one brain helper to another. The first Mirtazapine, although very good in helping my brain, has made me put on stacks of weight, which doesn't help my back and hips at all, this is a well known fact /side effect and they even have the alternative Trazadone to it which is what I'm changing to now. Fingers crossed they help me lose weight yet also do the job on my old brain. Bipolar eh, who'd have it off me? Any takers? Nah didn't think so. 😁

I shall apologise for the rubbish flow that this post has. The aforementioned brain fog isn't helping. Anyway just see it as a grammar test.😁
posted from Bloggeroid

Saturday 20 October 2018

Another post that is about three weeks late....

Autumn is with us, Mabon creeps up and halloween and christmas things are in the shops. I like this time of year, its pleasant I think. Yes it’s chillier, wetter (well it is at the moment) but much more comfortable than those hot sweltering days of summer. I was only saying the other week, I see the seasons like this - Summer is bustling, busy and filled with scents of flowers, ice cream and grass cutting, the sun is hot and fiery,demanding attention. Autumn starts to quieten down, the land gets less busy although the colours are still abundant. A crispness fills the air and the wet days are still warmish. Winter is of course the sleeping time, the land gets hushed which you notice more after a snowfall. It’s icy blue and white colours are stark; when the sun shines, and it does sometimes, it’s a piercing harsh brightness. Spring is newness with the colours of hope, the sun is gentle and the rain urgently does it’s job. I’ve not really a favourite season although I’m not much for very hot summers nor the opposite freezing of Winter. Have you got a fave?

***
I did something earlier this week which I never thought I would do. It took a great deal of gulping and swallowing and a number of starts to admit to my hubby that I can no longer manage the cleaning up. I can’t vacuum without getting down on hands and knees and end up struggling to get back up while other chores leave me in increased pain and with no energy. For someone who loves a very clean home this upsets me, I’ve always done my housework with gusto, I like being clean and tidy, knowing that a finger run along my shelves would come back sparkling. To be unable to do that now is bothering me. I wish I could afford a cleaner to come every week or fortnight even but I can’t and hubby is now going to do a major part of it for me, I’ll do the easiest chores while he does the heavy cleaning. Like I say, it took a lot to admit to this and I’m still upset about having to!

***
After losing Zaffi I have no interest in getting another dog. We’ve still got Lulu and she is loving being the only one, she doesn’t seem to mind at all. Every so often her mate Bella comes round to stay or to spend time with her and that seems sufficient for Lulu. I’m surprised with myself tbh as some years ago I’d be already on the lookout for another youngster to train but right now I’m not interested. Nothing would be a patch on Zaffi, who was more my familiar than a dog. I’d find myself comparing and that wouldn't be right at all, another dog would be here on its own merit not as a replacement to Zaffi. Hence its important that I am honest and say ‘No’ to any mentions of a new dog. Maybe one day I’ll be ready but until then...