Cosmetics for a change

I've recently treated myself to some new makeup products, all by either W7 or Technic, both British brands and as far as I have read, both cruelty-free. What's even better is that they are drugstore prices proving that you don't have to spend £25 quid on a lip liner or £80 for face foundation, these brands are, in my experience, good quality products working just as well as more expensive similar items. The eyeshadows are a little on the weak side but there's always adding more layers and that works well. So if you are on the side of not much money to spare try these brands, You surely won't regret it.
I do like my beauty products and I'm happy to try out anything, that why I have a monthly subscription to Glossy Box. It's good to open it up and see what's inside.
I also have regular Avon products, I'm lucky in that my Avon lady lives only two doors down from our house. I especially like their perfumes and think for the prices they smell just as nice as far more expensive stuff. Having said that I gotta say that Ysatis by Givenchy is my most loved perfume but sadly rarely afford it and no one treats me to any at birthdays or Yule.

W7
Technic Cosmetics
glossybox.co.uk
Avon UK
Ysatis

Cave and black holes

I don't feel like talking just lately, not even to my OH or my dog. Talk I must because by talking I'm keeping sociable which is important when you suffer the downs of bipolar. It's so easy to lock yourself away keeping the outside world nonexistent. To you it might seem easy to talk and mingle with society, you might even be saying to yourself "oh come on stop being a mardarse and get on with it" or my mother's favourite expression "pull your socks up and do some work". So easy to talk isn't it, unfortunately when you've got some mental health problem it's not. You go into yourself, into the black hole as I call it. The black hole is when you get so low you go past the 'cave' stage* and down and down some more until you're rock bottom. Then you're in trouble darling. Thankfully I'm not at rock bottom, I'm holding onto the edge of the black hole feet dangling over the deep, fingers white with gripping to avoid falling down.
Am I talking nonsense? To you maybe but anyone who suffers like me will understand only too well.
*Cave stage is when you begin to avoid people, hermit like. You go into your cave to be alone.

posted from Bloggeroid

Just a normal day...

You know I did decide this morning that I was going to sort out my corner and make it more studio like, as much as you can in such a small space. I need one set of shelves (those pine three shelves to a unit) for my art stuff then the other set will house my pagan stuff. Before I can do anything I need to clear the shelves off, put the numerous paperbacks and hard back books in a cardboard box for taking up the garage until I've decided what to do with them. Do these books sell on Amazon or eBay? I need to have a bit of a nose.
However, I had a shower and washed my hair which has left me exhausted. I can't even summon the strength to turn the washing machine on. Never mind.

I went to the doctor's yesterday to see the vampire nurse. She surprised me by telling me that the doctor had ordered an ECG reading. First I heard of it. Anyway I had to get undressed, oh the mither, had I known I was having one I'd have put a better outfit on. As it is there was much fuss while my hubby helped me get undressed. I really hate that, I feel so silly not being able to get undressed/dressed by myself. I've no idea what the result was because she didn't show me. I also has four vials blood taken. Shockingly it's reddish colour and not the green stuff I was expecting, green as in alien. Lol. I always like to crack a joke with the nurses to put them at ease as many don't really know how to communicate with me so a well timed joke can help.

It's a lovely day outside. One of the late autumn sunshine days. Everywhere feels so peaceful. I'd love to get out in the garden but it's not going to happen. Not today at any rate.

I've gone very drowsy so I'll sign of now. Have a grand day everyone. Much love and "keep on fighting you fibro warriors!" X

Wherein she moans and groans just cos she can!

Just lately I've been living in my bed. Reason? I'm suffering a M.E /fibromyalgia flare up maybe brought on by my changing meds*. Whatever, I've been unable to walk very far; from the bed to kitchen is about all I can manage. Sometimes my legs just shake uncontrollably, weaken and leave me shuffling back to bed. Other times my arms go lifeless, the skin tingling and so painful, I cannot, try as I might, do anything during these times.

My back is a whole different story. It is so painful I cannot describe it. It is even stopping me from doing a poo (tmi I know but I can't help it, I'm talking real life where people pee, poo and be sick.) All I can do is get comfy on the bed, having tried and failed to find some ease on the sofa.

I'm living a permanent brain fog. How my OH keeps patient I'll never know. I get my words wrong, I cannot Lip read at a decent level, forgetfulness and clumsiness are par for the course. What our carers put up with! So silent, it feels like no one ever thinks to give them recognition or thanks them, for where would we be without them?

Something is making me hold fluid around rib cage so I've got to have my blood taken by the resident nurse Vampire. I wonder what shape bruise I'll get from her looking around with a needle trying to find a vein. How many men (and women) would like to be in my position, a Carry On film.😁

Seriously I hate being like this but what can I do? I try to do as much as possible, those chores I can do round the house, drawing, painting, crochet, writing etc. Breakfast in bed? Haha as if. Just dinner I'm afraid.

“I wish I could lie in bed all day” I hear some mutter, no you really don't. I'm not here by choice this is forced on me. Please don't insult me with such mutterings. I'm not idle, I'm not a waster: I'm a once very active manual worker whose body got ill. I don't wish that on you, I couldn't be so cruel.

Listen I feel I need to emphasise this, I am not by any means after sympathy. I hate sympathy. I don't want it. Nice of you to offer but no thanks.

I'm relating my life story and at the moment it's not brilliant but I'm ok, I'm getting on a it. How are my fellow sufferers? Doing ok I hope.

*I'm on my last leg of changing meds from one brain helper to another. The first Mirtazapine, although very good in helping my brain, has made me put on stacks of weight, which doesn't help my back and hips at all, this is a well known fact /side effect and they even have the alternative Trazadone to it which is what I'm changing to now. Fingers crossed they help me lose weight yet also do the job on my old brain. Bipolar eh, who'd have it off me? Any takers? Nah didn't think so. 😁

I shall apologise for the rubbish flow that this post has. The aforementioned brain fog isn't helping. Anyway just see it as a grammar test.😁

posted from Bloggeroid

Another post that is about three weeks late....

Autumn is with us, Mabon creeps up and halloween and christmas things are in the shops. I like this time of year, its pleasant I think. Yes it’s chillier, wetter (well it is at the moment) but much more comfortable than those hot sweltering days of summer. I was only saying the other week, I see the seasons like this - Summer is bustling, busy and filled with scents of flowers, ice cream and grass cutting, the sun is hot and fiery,demanding attention. Autumn starts to quieten down, the land gets less busy although the colours are still abundant. A crispness fills the air and the wet days are still warmish. Winter is of course the sleeping time, the land gets hushed which you notice more after a snowfall. It’s icy blue and white colours are stark; when the sun shines, and it does sometimes, it’s a piercing harsh brightness. Spring is newness with the colours of hope, the sun is gentle and the rain urgently does it’s job. I’ve not really a favourite season although I’m not much for very hot summers nor the opposite freezing of Winter. Have you got a fave?

***

I did something earlier this week which I never thought I would do. It took a great deal of gulping and swallowing and a number of starts to admit to my hubby that I can no longer manage the cleaning up. I can’t vacuum without getting down on hands and knees and end up struggling to get back up while other chores leave me in increased pain and with no energy. For someone who loves a very clean home this upsets me, I’ve always done my housework with gusto, I like being clean and tidy, knowing that a finger run along my shelves would come back sparkling. To be unable to do that now is bothering me. I wish I could afford a cleaner to come every week or fortnight even but I can’t and hubby is now going to do a major part of it for me, I’ll do the easiest chores while he does the heavy cleaning. Like I say, it took a lot to admit to this and I’m still upset about having to!

***

After losing Zaffi I have no interest in getting another dog. We’ve still got Lulu and she is loving being the only one, she doesn’t seem to mind at all. Every so often her mate Bella comes round to stay or to spend time with her and that seems sufficient for Lulu. I’m surprised with myself tbh as some years ago I’d be already on the lookout for another youngster to train but right now I’m not interested. Nothing would be a patch on Zaffi, who was more my familiar than a dog. I’d find myself comparing and that wouldn't be right at all, another dog would be here on its own merit not as a replacement to Zaffi. Hence its important that I am honest and say ‘No’ to any mentions of a new dog. Maybe one day I’ll be ready but until then...

Random Acts of thinking

Autumn is with us, Mabon creeps up and Halloween and Christmas things are in the shops. I like this time of year, it's pleasant I think. Yes, it’s chillier, wetter (well it is at the moment) but much more comfortable than those hot sweltering days of summer. I was only saying the other week, I see the seasons like this - Summer is bustling, busy and filled with scents of flowers, ice cream and grass cutting, the sun is hot and fiery, demanding attention. Autumn starts to quieten down, the land gets less busy although the colours are still abundant. A crispness fills the air and the wet days are still warmish. Winter is, of course, the sleeping time, the land gets hushed which you notice more after a snowfall. It’s icy blue and white colours are stark; when the sun shines, and it does sometimes, it’s a piercing harsh brightness. Spring is newness with the colours of hope, the sun is gentle and the rain urgently does it’s job. I’ve not really a favourite season although I’m not much for very hot summers nor the opposite freezing of Winter. Have you got a fave?

***

I did something earlier this week which I never thought I would do. It took a great deal of gulping and swallowing and a number of starts to admit to my hubby that I can no longer manage the cleaning up. I can’t vacuum without getting down on hands and knees and end up struggling to get back up while other chores leave me in increased pain and with no energy. For someone who loves a very clean home, this upsets me, I’ve always done my housework with gusto, I like being clean and tidy, knowing that a finger run along my shelves would come back sparkling. To be unable to do that now is bothering me. I wish I could afford a cleaner to come every week or fortnight even but I can’t and hubby is now going to do a major part of it for me, I’ll do the easiest chores while he does the heavy cleaning. Like I say, it took a lot to admit to this and I’m still upset about having to!

***

After losing Zaffi I have no interest in getting another dog. We’ve still got Lulu and she is loving being the only one, she doesn’t seem to mind at all. Every so often her mate Bella comes round to stay or to spend time with her and that seems sufficient for Lulu. I’m surprised with myself tbh as some years ago I’d be already on the lookout for another youngster to train but right now I’m not interested. Nothing would be a patch on Zaffi, who was more my familiar than a dog. I’d find myself comparing and that wouldn't be right at all, another dog would be here on its own merit not as a replacement to Zaffi. Hence it's important that I am honest and say ‘No’ to any mentions of a new dog. Maybe one day I’ll be ready but until then...

A late recognition of Lammas

The following was supposed to have been posted on the 1st August as I planned a grand celebration and ritual for Lammas. Instead I spent it in hospital feeling like a really poorly pincushion. Never one to let words go to waste I've decided to post it now; better late than never eh.



Here it comes - Lammas aka Lughsanagh. The start of the harvest months in which we celebrate all things bountiful, hopefully, if things aren't bountiful then goddess help us because the government won't. Ever heard of John Barleycorn? He comes out of the cupboard now after spending these last month's snoring away the spring and summer. Corn dollies appear and celebrations of cutting the first corn along with them. I wonder, do any of today's farmers actually do this? I hope they do, even if it's just a pint in the pub at the end of the day. We should keep these old traditions alive like our forefathers did, they always managed to find something to have a sup and a knees up for.
Today I'll decorate my altar and perhaps I'll show you later; we're having a feast supper tonight, Thai Red and Green curries. Not exactly olde England but seriously who cares.

I've started art work again and I'm so pleased and happy with it. Admittedly is lost much confidence but this latest dog portrait I'm working on is rapidly making me feel "yes! I still have it!" That's something I didn't think I'd be hearing my inner voice tell me this year. I'm thinking positive folks, that's another tick on my list of 'must do's' I'm doing well aren't?

posted from Bloggeroid

Patients and pencils

I've just spent 24 hours under hospital observation for a suspected heart attack. All praise indeed to the staff at NDDH who go over and beyond to make sure you are comfortable and well informed while you're there. Honestly I don't think nurses can be paid enough. I'll just rephrase that, I don't think the nursing staff can be paid enough because as well as nurses you get the auxiliary workers who do plenty so should be included. What they all put up with off us Joe Public is embarrassing to say the least. For some people being in hospital seems to award them a standard set much higher than they would normally get. Nurses are expected to do it and do it NOW, regardless of other patients needs. Why some think that anyone in a caring role is there for their express desires beats me. Do they not realise that yes you might be in pain and or need the toilet but so do a whole ward off other patients. One word of advice for them is 'patience'. Be a patient patient. You'll get seen eventually, if you need the loo but can't get there then hold it in a while longer, plan ahead and make sure you've a bed pan to hand. It's common sense to me that if you're unable to walk to the loo you'll all for a couple of bed pans for emergency situations. Or just do as the old Babushka in the bed opposite me did and let it go. After all nurses have nothing better to do than to change your sodden sheets. Oh she was a major pain in the rump, was that old girl. She was too cold, too much in pain, too unable to walk despite walking into the ward in the first place and jumping in bed all by herself. One wonders what she's like at home, does she treat everyone as if they're there solely to wait on her hand and foot? I doubt it somehow. I know this will irritate many people, my calling patients out like this but if it does then you're one of them rump pains obviously.
Manners should exist everywhere and being unwell, in pain etc shouldn't mean they fly out through the window. Be patient, be kind, have a smile ready for those over worked nurses and a please and thank you doesn't go amiss. Try it. You might be pleasantly suprised at what happens next.

Hospital apart the week has been a steady routine one. I finally finished the portrait of Bella, my BFFFs little dog and she's rather happy with it, the human not the dog, I've no idea what the dog thinks, probably very little unless she attempts to eat it as she does most things recently. I'm pleased, not hundred percent happy as I'm still learning the art of coloured pencil, it's really not like watercolor painting at all. It's more time consuming, all the blending to achieve the desired effect doesn't happen in a couple of brush strokes. Would I go back to using paints? Not for animal portraits no, maybe for a change I'll do some watercolor landscapes (Yule cards will soon be required) but for me it's colour pencil all the way forward. I can only hope to get better at it.

posted from Bloggeroid

I've made myself a studio corner in my bedroom. Sounds good right? I've got my half poster bed which turns into a double ended sofa with the use of a few a strategically placed cushions. Two bookshelves hold my art materials plus of course a few dozen books unrelated to art but where else to keep them I've no idea. I've a stool next to my ‘side table’ -actually a large cardboard box covered with an attractive piece of material and holding a couple of sheep's worth of wool- the two together form more work surfaces for holding my stuffs. Soon I'll only be able to shuffle sideways crab fashion as the only way to get to my bed to sit on it is by doing just that crab walk past boxes and chests.

Yeah my little studio corner is small and I'll admit to missing the old days of having a well lit room all for myself but needs must, they say, and the important part is that I've got back into art. A huge step forward after the recent years of being unable to even raise a smile never mind a pen.

Hi, it’s Daisy Mae. I just wanted to say a few words about something some of you might be going through yourselves.

The time has come for my baby girl to leave home allbeit for only 3 nights a week to go to art college, but my goodness it gives me the feels! 

She’s not 18 until March so I’m  especially worried about her staying in uni halls with older students. Particularly as her latest motto is “mum, what happens in halls stays in halls!”

I can’t wait for her to go and give me 3 nights of not being talked to death, but it’s going to be so hard! I’m worried, stressed, concerned, sad about her growing up, it’s all so much emotion in one go. 

Hey ho, gotta let them grow up and spread their wings sometime I suppose. 

A year ago...

Trying to work out what I've got to tell you that might be the slightest bit interesting, I came across a piece I wrote this time last year but never published.
Reading through this is rather good for me as I've changed so much since then and it really is good to know that my state of mind is much better now.
So here it is, one year ago I wrote...

Another lovely sunny late July morning. Height of summer just before we start sliding down into the cold months. What am I doing? Am I running round getting my chores done so that I can later relax and enjoy the day? Am I planning what next to turn my craft hand to? Am I packing a picnic lunch before heading out with the dogs to somewhere peaceful and quiet on the Moors? No, none of these exciting, wonderful days await me, only another day filled with wracking pain in every joint and even my skin. So I'm faced with another day lying in bed, taking painkillers that will send me to sleep so I can escape the pain for a few hours.

Every morning i wake full of hope that this will be the day I can move freely. Sometimes my hopes are fulfilled but this last week my hopes are shattered, just like my body. I am so sick of this, the pain, the hopelessness, the missing out on lovely days and everything that comes with them.

Is it my fault? Have I created this monster that lives with me day by day? No, it's not a product of my mind, it's very real and very here. There's nothing I can do, no amount of positive thinking cures me nor stops the pain. I'm at the mercy of a monster that lives in and on me, no Knight in shining armour is going to rescue me. This is my life now. I have to live it, have to fill the days when I'm able to function and accept the days I'm not. I hate it, it's not me, my body has turned into something I don't recognise and something I dislike.

And there's nothing I can do but accept it as my lot. Keep taking the pks Deb, and hope for the best.

The slow responder

If you've said hello and I suddenly go, don't be mad,
never be sad, there's nothing bad. If there was I'd let you know.

If you've dropped me a line and it seems I decline to reply in a day or maybe since May, my blood you might bay. Hush up, my heart's still thine!

For I am a tardy, and not very hardy, responder of words,
I'd rather watch birds, and other things out there in the fresh natural air or write these rhymes, that have no rythym. Still, soon I'll be up to the times, tis best I keep with'em.
I do apologize. I may seem rude with a 'badass 'tude'
but my health is screwed. I really do sorry-ize!
( Ok ok I made that up but it rhymes, what d'ya want? Shakespeare?)

I'm back folks!!!🐝🐝🐝😊

posted from Bloggeroid